Tinder Profile

This one should probably come under the Rules of Tinder, but as I don't put it into practice, I am certainly in no position to preach about it. Every girl and guy alike wants to have the best possible profile, so all their likes are reciprocated in matches, and their Tinder journey(s) begin.

It is no word of a lie that a fast paced London lifestyle has taken its toll on my body, and mainly my BMI. I wouldn't say I am unrecognisable from my former self, however I am definitely carrying more weight around all the best areas of the body and at a petite 5'4", I shamefully come under the 'overweight' section in the body mass index. #FML

Granted my breasts probably weigh the equivalent of two 1kg bags of sugar, which the index does not take into consideration, and I would probably classify myself as big boned which must contribute to it but the plain reality is, I am just 1.5 stone too heavy.

With this in mind, and well aware I no longer look at my best, I did what any normal girl would do... I uploaded photos from 3 years ago.

I justify this to myself by the facts that I am still as fun/frivolous/out spoken as I was back then, I just didn’t wobble as much. #girlusedtosquat

*disclaimer - I do not pretend this ever was or ever will be me

…and I am well aware in the business world there is a high chance that this sort of false advertising would land you in court.

However if you arrive to meet your date and he still recognises you, despite these small differences, then you are winning!  

....because although it doesn't look as good, you know you'd still eat it. #lawsofattraction

Follow me on twitter for updates @shivermetinder

My First Tinder Date

Tinder Date Number 1 - Mid July 2013

This was one of the initial guys I began conversing with on Tinder thanks to my Mum.  His credentials and looks weren’t exactly what I was looking for, only to be described as soft but he was a nice enough guy and seemed to have some good conversation. I hadn’t had much luck in the dating world so I told myself to suck it up and not be so fussy. 

Tinder date number 1 was a 30 year old #goodage, police detective #makesmenervous, who resided in a good borough of London #homeowner.  We had been chatting for three days before he asked me for a drink and it wasn’t the most convenient timing as I was off to a festival the next day but I needed to meet him sooner rather than later as I didn’t want to waste my time talking to someone who I have absolutely no future with. #harshbuttrue

 …and as my very wise female single colleague says

A Girls Gotta Drink.

So I packed my bags for camping and agreed to meet him at 9.00pm once I had finished sorting myself out.  All credit to the guy he came all the way to SW to meet me, worked this in my favour, and greeted me with a G&T.  As I approached him he stood up and I realised it wasn’t going to work, he was smaller than me wearing wedges #neveragoodthing.  Nevertheless height isn’t everything #itistome and we went outside and grabbed a table.  It was at this point I clocked he was wearing an un-tucked shirt.

Now this isn’t necessarily a faux pa, however when it looks like a type of work shirt that should be tucked in, and your date looks like he got half dressed then stopped, you’ve got a problem.

I must say it wasn’t awkward, he was a really nice guy, but he was just a bit ‘soft’. I have grown up with very manly men in my life, and my dad is a large gentleman with a big presence and an equally as big deep voice to match.  A meat and potatoes kind of man if you will. Number 1 was none of those things. I can’t tell you if he liked meat and potatoes but I can tell you that he was a small build, had vocals of a pre pubescent lad and the mannerisms of someone who could potentially be struggling with their sexuality.  My family would eat him alive.

The date continued, round 1 finished and he asked me if I would like another drink.  Being polite, I offered to get this round, and to my dismay the boy didn’t even put up a fight! When I asked if we should get a glass or a bottle, I was routing for a glass and a swift exit, he chose a bottle…! Shouldn’t have opened by big polite mouth. Granted a girls gotta drink, and on this date I definitely needed to, but that cemented it for me, this guy was a wet fish.

The pub closed, we parted ways and I thanked him for his company.  He messaged me shortly after and I kept it polite and replied intermittently, but I just didn’t have the heart to block him.  After all, he hadn’t really done anything wrong.  After a few messages past I got a message saying:

I thought he would have got the hint. How could I not reply to that? I am not a mean person and bless him for trying but there not a punchy bone in his body, so I made my excuses as seen above.

Now if someone said that to me I would get the hint they were not interested.  Everyone knows if you really like someone, despite what you have planned, you would make time for them. 

Apparently he had never got this memo, and as luck would have it or not, he wasn’t really free until two weeks time either #justmyluck. This time I was mean, I hate to admit it, but I just didn’t reply...I didn’t know what to say.

I don’t think I ask for too much, but I do want a man who grabs the bull by the horns...not a man that looks like he arranges flowers on his weekend.

Follow me on twitter for updates  @shivermetinder

My Second Tinder Date

Tinder Date Number 2 - End of July 2013

So I didn’t tell the whole truth to this one, I said to him that my mum had added him, as it’s a great way to start conversation but in this case, she definitely did not.  To be completely honest, I don’t even know why I did.  He looked like an arrogant arse from his what looked like professional model photos, but being a complete girl and single, he did look quite dishy so I decided to swipe right.

We spoke solidly for 3 days. #tinderrelationship #weird although alarm bells should have rang about our differences when he called me a 'posh girl' for referring to my supper instead of dinner. 

It got to Wednesday evening and it was crunch time, I either said yes to a drink with him or stopped messaging him, there is only so much conversation you can have with someone you have never met.

I arrived to meet him, and sure enough, similar to Number 1 as I approached he got smaller and smaller. Really?! AGAIN??

Where are all the 6’1”+ men in this world?

#notontinder

but I was there, he had seen me and recognised me - there was no escaping.

So we sat and had our drinks by the river and he literally didn’t shut up.  I started to experience motion sickness from all the jumping around in his seat and his impulsive gestures.

The writing was on the wall- the boy was either super nervous, or had ADHD.

Again, on Tinder paper he came across as a potential suitor, a Chartered Accountant for one of the top firms in London, 29 years old, although he behaved like a 15 year old, and a model, good looking until he opened his mouth. #geezer

So of all the cultural things he could have spoken about, I was not expecting his first topic of conversation. 

He starts to tell me about his past and casually drops is that he has a criminal record... FML you have to be kidding me? 

but it gets better....not just one, nooooo no, not one...but THREE. He had only gone and got a hat-trick in the British legal system. 

 #whatwouldmymumsay?!?

Surprisingly it wasn't the aggravated burglary or assault charges that put me off, it was the fact that after a solid hour of talking about himself he had made absolutely no effort to find out anything about me and then had the audacity to turn round and say

“You ask a lot of questions, I don’t even know your name.”

Tactful he was not which was probably also why he had been caught...three times over. #idiot 

Granted he meant my surname but nevertheless I politely declined a second drink, and hot footed it home.  I got a message saying lovely to meet you, wish I could have said the same, and have a great weekend, and then a follow up message the next week.  

For someone who was meant to have an intelligent reformed head on his shoulders, I don’t think he quite got it.  Eventually after a few non-replies it must have clicked. I received a message saying  “Have you blocked me yet?” admittedly it did make me smile, so I replied with a simple “Not yet.” Well I couldn't block him now could I!!! Because he would know! Not to mention he lived close by AND was a former criminal. So I just left him in my matches to stew....

                                                                                                            

Funny thing is 6 weeks on I just went into my Tinder to remind myself of some of his ridiculous comments, and the geezer has blocked me!! 

I did chuckle though...that’ll teach me.

#Tasteofmyownmedicine

Follow me on twitter for updates  @shivermetinder

My Third Tinder Date

Tinder Date Number 3 - Tuesday 20th August 2013

Forethought: I am not shallow but one thing that really gets my goat in this day and age is bad teeth, there is absolutely no excuse for it.  

I got chatting to Tinder date number 3 and not long after we had covered all the formalities he asked if I fancied going for supper or drinks at some point, of course I did.  I was confident in this one that he had potential. On paper he was great! Good age #28, good job #broker, good height #6'5" and from what I could see from the photos good looking and typed like a gent...sounded perfect, although I was hesitant that most of his photos were low resolution, from a distance, and the small fact that I couldn't see his teeth in any of them. 4 out of 5 wasn't bad for Tinder so I  quickly agreed and he said he would message me with a place nearer the time. 

It was the day before the date when I received the text, it simply read:

"Hey, I've booked X for 7.30pm hope that is ok? Look forward to meeting you tomorrow. Number 3 x"

I read and then googled the venue, WOW. Setting the bar high on first date, my Cheshire grin formed across my face, you have to love a man who takes the initiative, no pussy footing around - I knew immediately, this guy had potential. 

I was actually quite nervous about this one, but I was pretty confident, as he was wearing a top hat in one of his pictures, that it was unlikely or rather, there was a very slim chance he had ever been arrested for aggravated burglary or attempted assault... #winning

 Could he be the man of my dreams? 

 #thirdtimelucky

I flew out the office at 5.30pm to my gym across the road to get dolled up #pretendedIcamestraightfromwork and after an hour of sprucing I tottered to the tube in my sky high heels (I am 5'4", we don't need him thinking I am midget as soon as he sees me, that is something I will save for a rainy day...when I break my ankle...and have no choice but to take my heels off) doing my best to prevent my blonde curls from sticking to my lip gloss.  #pretendedtheywerenatural 

Before jumping on the tube I ring my Bessie for a few words of courage, "have an amazing time, eeek exciting! Remember whatever you do, try not to be yourself." Awesome.

Another thing you should know about me, I am not great with public transport, not in a pretentious way, but whenever I think of tubes, it makes me clammy.  I purposely rent a house 1.5 miles from my office so I can avoid public transport at all costs, just seeing a tube makes me perspire.   

I arrived, I am early, I am hot and I am bothered from taking the tube but I run into dotty P, make sure my outfit looks together, and I am not glowing too much- score I am ready.  

I enter the lobby and a nice lady asks what my reservation is under.  I say Number 3 at 7.30pm.  "What surname sorry?" Shit. I don't know his bloody surname, I feel like such a first date wanker, I think she can sense my awkwardness and I feel like I have TINDER DATE stamped on my forehead, quickly she asks for my name, fewh, No.3 had had the sense to give them my name also.  Great, I am perspiring a bit more.

Reception lady shows me to the lift, which is coming down from the 32nd Floor.  Obviously this takes time, and time I do not have to stop my nerves.  Ah why have I built this up so much?! I see him arrive and check in at Reception, Bugger.  I thought I was going to have time to fly to the loo for one final check. He was fast approaching, and then suddenly there he was next to me, all 6'5" of him. 

We said our hellos and I knew immediately up close I did not fancy him, it wasn't that he was unattractive but there wasn't something there for me, and I feel awful to say it but his teeth.

Needless to say we headed up to the bar, I was blown away by this hidden gem, the view was incredible - 360 panoramic views of London, pretty spectacular for a first date!

We sat at the bar, and initially I felt very awkward, just because I am that person, the more I think about awkwardness the more it prevails me. And although I had already realised he was not the one, it was too late, my body was already in nervous overdrive.  

I was pretty sure my perspiration nerves weren't lessening, but I noticed I wasn't alone, beads of sweat were forming on Number 3's brow, and to make matters worse,  I was pretty sure the same thing was happening on my upper lip, and the sun was streaming in making all matters a lot more visible. #crap #fml #onlyme

He chose our first cocktail, and by the time I was choosing our second, body language had changed, the sweats had stopped (on both accounts) and we had started to relax.

Browsing the menu I reciprocated the question he asked me "what do you not like?" he answered "tequila", that was easy enough. I browsed the menu and made our choices, careful not to pick something with tequila in it.  I went for something a bit different, and tried to keep it manly, it was called "The Unusual Suspects".

Our drinks arrive and I thought it would be fun to play the game guess what is in your drink. So he takes small sips and politely giving me a few guesses but giving nothing away, I eventually tell him that the base of the cocktail is...La Penca Mezcal.  

The Unusual Suspects

La Penca Mezcal, St Germain elderflower liqueur, agave syrup, orange and peychaud’s bitters. Mezcal’s earthy smokiness is balanced by the fresh sweetness of the elderflower in this summery twist of an old fashioned. 

LA PENCA MEZCAL? 

Little did I know until he awkwardly informed me, La Penca Mezcal is a type of tequila.

TEQUILA? Good one girly.

I have only just gone and tried to poison the first date I have had in months with any potential.

FML I AM SHIT AT DATING

Nevertheless we got passed that and went on to have 7 rounds of cocktails and some good conversation.  As it got darker and his teeth less apparent, and my alcohol levels higher, I was toying with the thought that perhaps I could fancy him... I didn't really know but what I did know was it was past midnight and I needed to take my tipsy ass home.

Like a real gent he text to make sure I got home ok and ended the message with speak to you soon.  Speak to you soon? I am not entirely sure how to take that, initially I wasn't bothered about a second date, but when it isn't offered or even hinted at, you start to re-trace your tracks where you could have slipped up. 

I know he is off to Portugal for the Bank Holiday so we shall see if I hear from him after. No love lost if not, but I may need to ask for some feedback on where I am going wrong. I mean apart from the excessive perspiration, I didn't think I came across all that bad.

#PerhapsitwastheTequila?

Follow me on twitter for updates  @shivermetinder

My Fourth Tinder Date

Tinder Date Number 4  - Wednesday 21st August 2013

A.K.A. 5ft 8 inches of  

"I Don't Like Being In Relationship"

This chap seemed nice enough, although stated very early on he didn't want a relationship #friendswithbenefits #charming but I continued to converse with him as he was a DJ, and all DJs are cool right? Not to mention every girl wants to be the one that a guy changes his ways for #fairytale.  So we continued to chat and he seemed pretty normal, until the messages the day/night before our date.

I was on date number 3 #themostnormal #tooquicktodismiss and started receiving numerous messages in succession throughout the evening from date number 4.  Alarm bells started ringing but instead of cancelling or even replying to his attempts to grab my attention, 7 cocktails down at the end of my drinks with Tinder date number 3, I replied with a simple messaged which I believed summarised all my thoughts...

It is a wonder why any guy would want to date me.

All credit to the guy, my insults did not put him off but at this point it had dawned on me perhaps not all DJs are cool and in hindsight I should have taken the initiative and cancelled, but I am just SO single. 

                           Positive. Mental. Attitude.

...in the first 30 seconds as soon as I spotted him from across the street, I knew it was going to go well.

8:00pm

I walked towards date number 4, I immediately noticed he was carrying one of these...

and wearing one of these...

and as I approached he gave me one of these...

Seeing past the first 30 seconds of meeting, we went to a local bar and had one of these....

 and lucky for me he continued to give me these...

8.30pm

30 minutes in I had downed my one of these...

and would have quite happy made use of one of these...

but as the poor chap had traveled 1.5 hours to meet me, I couldn't decline when he asked me to go for some of these...

Conversation didn't flow...

but I got the feeling he thought it was going really well...

so I continued to do my best to not make it awkward and talked about the only topic I knew he was interested in...

but then I exhausted all career related questions....

and it was time to call time on the date...

 So we said our goodbyes...

and parted ways..

and after an unsuccessful Tinder date number 4, it dawned on me that I am still very very much single.

Follow me on twitter for updates  @shivermetinder

You Can Always Rely on Your Best Friends...

...to post some moral support on your Facebook wall...

Some (surely obvious) Rules of Tinder

1. Don’t add pictures of you with children. You may be a caring uncle but it can be misleading. There is a strong chance a girl won’t take the time to find out that the two kids in picture 3 on John's profile, actually belong to his sister.

2. If you have been honoured enough to have been asked to be best man at your mate's wedding – great! But don’t add a picture of just you and the bride- confusing and misleading.

3. Don’t have a topless selfie as your first photo, the right type of girl will not appreciate this and quickly swipe you left. 

4. Don't insult the respective other half in the first message.

5. If you are only after sex, be tactful.  Don't open with the line "I am not looking for a relationship", that is something that very few girls want to hear.

6. If you manage to get to a first date, DON'T let the girl pay/get a round/split the bill. Be a man.  Initially, we all want to be woo'd, and this is where girl's like tradition. Of course, we have all been dragged up well, so we will always offer, but for gods sake, don't take us up on it.

7.  If you have a criminal record, I am not one to judge, but I would advise against mentioning it on your first date, not the best topic to start the conversation.

8. Girls, if you live in the same area as your best friends, and have similar taste in men #talldarkandhandsome check in with each other occasionally to ensure you are not chatting to the same guys, no-one needs a cat fight over a man you haven't met.  And gents, if you match with two girls, who both feature in each others profile photos - use your head, don't go on a date with one, and then message the other when you get home. #girlstalk

9. If you are going to upload group photos of you and your friends to show how many friends you have/ how much fun you are, that is fine, but for goodness sake make sure there is at least one snap of you on your own, no one is on Tinder to play "Guess Who?"

10. If you come across your ex on Tinder, don't add them and wonder why you haven't had a match.  They are your ex for a reason.

Follow me on twitter for updates  @shivermetinder